Every year around my birthday and Thanksgiving (both in November), I reflect upon the last year and consider the upcoming year.  I, as do many others, make a gratitude list.

I’m big into gratitude and taking time to experience and express gratitude.  I say thank you a LOT.  I write a big long yearly gratitude list.  I keep a gratitude journal – 5 things every night that I’m grateful for from that day.  Sometimes the gratitude I feel for my life and the people in it is so huge I feel like I could burst.

In a happy sorta bursting way.

My big yearly list is often similar year to year.  It’s mostly made up of people (and pets) with a few life events tossed in for variety.

This year, however, I was surprised with one addition to my list.

Me.

I’d never before thought to include myself on my big list – on any of my gratitude lists or thank yous for that matter.

When the thought of putting myself on my list first popped into my head, I hesitated.  It seemed a little self-centered or narcissistic to say I was grateful for myself.  I started to blow off the idea and move on to the next thing on my list.

But you know what?

I am grateful to me.

I’ve done a lot for myself this year.  I’m proud of myself for what I’ve done. And I rarely, very rarely, give myself credit for things I’ve done.

So I decided to take things a step further and write down some of the things I’m grateful to myself for from November 2008 to November 2009 – it turned out to be quite a long list!  Here is just a snapshot of that list:

• Moving to Asheville
• Joining Christine’s 2009 Platinum Coaching group
• Quitting my job
• Quitting my profession
• Taking time off to rest and heal
• Learning to open up to myself & others
• Making health a top intention in my life
• Starting a business
• Letting go of grief
• Beginning to live more authentically
• Learning to let people support me
• Learning to trust & love myself

And dozens and dozens of other small and large gifts I gave myself.

I’m happy I chose to thank myself this year.  I might even move myself to the top of my list.

Have you thanked yourself yet?

It’s my birthday.  I’m spending it at the beach (have I mentioned that lately ?!?).  This is just one of the many poems I’ve written over the last 3 days.  I am totally loving this trip and time to just rejuvenate.

In fact, I might just make it a yearly thing.

Birthday Morning Beach Happiness

Ripple waves of water flow
Leave patterns in the sand
Broken bits of seashells crunch
Under toes that dent the sand
Frothy waves pound the shore
Sending worried sand pipers to scurry
Pink streaks of light
Stretch out across the dusky sky
Cool breeze of morning air
Brushes damp against my skin
Happiness washes over me
With every crashing wave.

I spent roughly 8 hours walking the beach today.  From sunrise to sunset, I walked up and down and up and down the beach only making quick stops for water, food, and bathroom breaks.

It’s been a day filled with treasures and discoveries and happiness.

I gathered quite the pile of sea treasures. Big shells, tiny shells, pretty pieces of shells, shining bits of sea glass, sand dollars.

I captured dozens of pictures and short little videos.  I took pictures of the shoreline and the patterns in the sand, the funny little sand pipers and the sea gulls.  I took videos of the waves crashing and rolling on the shore.

The best discovery of all? In walking mile after mile on shifting beach sand, I found steady ground again.

2009 has been an indescribably amazing year.

2009 has also been a year of uncertainty, of massive changes, and constantly changing directions.  It’s been fun and exciting and overwhelming and scary.  I’ve felt as if I have been walking on ground that keeps shifting and tilting and it’s all I can do to just stay upright.

Recently, I’ve been doubting myself.  Doubting all the changes I’ve been making and all the decisions I’ve been making.  Wondering what the hell I’m doing.  Not having any energy to do the things I want to be doing.  Wondering if what I’ve been creating is really what I want to be doing.  Writing has been a painfully, frustrating exercise in futility.

Over the last day and a half all that has changed.

I dug my toes into the sand, felt the water swirl around my ankles, felt the salty air on my face, crunched over thousands of pieces of broken shells scattered on the sand, and breathed in the cool, damp air.  I sat in the sand and scribbled lines of poetry in notebooks.

As I walked miles and miles along the shifting sand of the beach, the ground steadied beneath me.

Nothing on the outside has changed.  My life is still full of uncertainty, changes, and new directions.

The overwhelm and fear and mental chatter had exhausted me.  I was tired and drained and worn out.  And still, the overwhelm and fear and mental chatter prevented me from truly allowing myself to rest (well, mostly I let them prevent me from resting).

So, instead of working on the many writing projects I’d planned to do this week while at the beach, I’m walking and dreaming and breathing and allowing myself to simply be.

I’m filling my creative well.  I’m reconnecting with my body and with my soul.  And I’m finding my center again.

The ground has steadied under my feet.

Of the last 4 weeks, roughly 3 of them have been jam packed with people, activity, and, well, lots of noise and doing.  Being rather introverted and placing high value on lots of alone time – I am exhausted.  And next week I am heading up to MN to visit family and friends for the first time since May 2008 – so, in other words, another jam packed week.

This week, however, I am filling my well and restoring my soul at the beach. At Isle of Palms, SC in a terrific little condo on the beach, to be exact.  It’s quiet.  It’s soothing.  It’s beautiful.  It’s scented of salt water and sand.  My soul did a happy dance at the first sight of sand and sea.

I will spend the next few days taking long walks on the beach, listening to the waves, watching the sunrise and set, writing and dreaming and simply being.

But today, I give you : Beach Poetry in Pictures…

Scent of sand and sea greet my soul with glee…

Step onto the sandy shores…

And quickly leave sandals in the sand…

Walk barefoot on the cool and smooth…

Just two steps to find perfection cradled in the sand…

The salty water flows and swirls

To empty out the weary

And fill the well with joy.

I wrote this poem a couple weeks ago as a project for a class I took at the Center for Spiritual Living here in Asheville.  It just so happened that the day we were to present these projects was one year to the day since I’d first stepped through the doors there.  It seemed only fitting to have my project be a poem about the journey that this past year has been for me and some of the awesomeness I have discovered in the people at the Center.

Journey Home

The first day, I nearly walked away
My heart was pounding,
Rattling against walls of armor and stone
While something I could not explain
Propelled me through the door

The first words I heard that day
Splintered the first crack in armor and stone
“Would you like a hug?” and
“Welcome home.”

“Oh shit.”
Was my internal response

Those first months are a blur
I did my best to stay unseen, unheard
While the joy and love in those around me
Brushed roughly against the pain
I held inside for years

And so for months I walked
Down the hill to the bridge,
Then the bench that sits along
The water flow
That skirts around this place

The pull of the people here
Dipped beneath the fear and called to me
And slowly I began to talk
To share, to open up

No longer could I hide from love
For fear and pain crumbled
Against a community of people
Who insisted on looking beyond armor and stone
To see the me that is powerful and divine

Hug by hug, heart by heart
Armor and stone began to fall away
Leaving me to stand as simply me

The journey has been…interesting
So many times the fear pulled
Until I shrank away to hide
There were stories I did not want to
Set aside

But that something that I could not explain
Rose up with every fall
And when I let the fear and story drift away
What rose up, instead, was love

As my journey continues on
The joy and love I see in others
Now brushes softly
Against the same in me

And this place has become the home
I was welcomed to on that first day

One of the intentions I’ve set recently is to learn to be in my body – fully present in my body versus up in my head all the time.  Part of this intention is not just learning to be in my body but also learning to be comfortable with my body.  I am totally comfortable up in my head and with my mental abilities.  It’s time now to reconnect to my body and my physical self.

Hiking is currently the best way I know how to reconnect with my body.  I wrote this the other day after an emotional call with my coach that very much had me wanting to run back into my head for safety.  Instead, I went on a long hike in the mountains and stayed with my intention.  I’m rather proud of myself for that

Reconnecting

Water rushing breaks the still
Silence soothes my soul
As my senses open up
My heart grows twice its size

Rattle of leaf against leaf
And creaking branches overhead
Chill of the breeze
Brushes softly past

A hike to rediscover
Pockets of happy
Covered over by layers
Layers of busy and mind chatter

Quiet breath
Feel how my body moves
As sacred space
Expands within

Hear the thud of foot against earth
The clatter of stones
Kicked along the path
Splashing into puddles on the ground

Reconnect to the beauty
Inside and out
As the water rushes past
And senses open wide

I just spent a fabulous 4 days learning how to grow my business and my life by being “Wide Awake.”  I got to spend time with the amazing Christine Kane and all the people in her Uplevel Your Business program, the rest of the awesome women in Christine’s Platinum Mastermind Coaching program, and the kick-ass Brooke Castillo. (Dang, that’s a whole lotta links and whole lotta adjectives in one very short paragraph!)

My brain and my body are still processing massive amounts of information and a-ha realizations for those 4 days.  I have tools to use to take my business and my life to a higher level.  I am more committed than ever to living my life wide awake and conscious. I am excited to implement and take action on all that I’ve learned. I’m looking forward to continuing relationships and connections made in those 4 days.  I cannot say enough about what I got out of this amazing event.

It was fun.

It was inspiring.

It was practical and useful.

There was much laughter and tears, too.

It was completely unlike any conference or event I’ve ever been to before.

It was different because of Christine’s willingness to be so authentic and present.  And because so many of the attendees were willing to stretch, to grow, and to be so present and authentic.  It was unforgettable.

I sometimes think of myself as a visual poet.  I experience things visually – similar, I imagine, to how a painter might see things.  Except where a painter would translate an experience into a visual picture, I translate my visual experience into words and poetry.  This poem describes how I saw these last 4 days unfold.

Light Beings

A swirling mass of edges
And shapes
Textures
Sounds and emotions running high
Crossing
Overlapping
Melding and parting

A beam of gold steps out
Strings of light that shimmer
Reach out
One by one
By two by three
Shining sparkles in the air
Illuminating orbs that glow
Of every shade
And every hue

Every orb
A color its own
Some bright
Some dim
Steady and sure
And flickering too
Each touched by gold
To shine
Just the slightest bit brighter

Veils of gray fall away
Strings of every color
Reach out
To touch their neighbor
One by one
By two by three
Sparking glitter through the air
Light to light to
Brilliant light

This post is a bit rambling and mostly just a little random!  A little Halloween poem is included though!  And pictures!

It’s just one week until Halloween!  I bought 3 big pumpkins to carve – well, actually the carving fun was just secondary.  I LOVE this time of year because I love roasted pumpkins seeds.  But I only really like the ones I make myself.  The store bought ones just aren’t as good.

Today, I settled in to cut and carve and gut and roast away!  4 big pans of seeds later I have weeks worth of pumpkins seeds to enjoy and 3 pumpkins semi-carved and painted for my front step.

I must admit, I vastly overestimated my pumpkin carving skills.  As I do every year.  This year I started out attempting to carve a short little poem into them.  I made it though the first line.  Then I scrapped that pumpkin (sort of) and decided to paint the poem on the other two & carved some diamond/stars with it.

The fun, playful mood I was in today helped break my stuckness with poetry writing (and writing in general), I think.  I’ve not written much in the last couple weeks despite daily attempts to do so.  I’d get lines or phrases or ideas that were great, then when I sat down to write.  Nothing.  Or just plain crappy writing.  I sense a shift on the horizon, however, and expect that tomorrow’s writing time will go much better.  Yay!    I’ve missed my writing.

So, here’s my little Halloween poem (and pictures!)!

Jack O’ Lantern

Jack O’ Lantern
Light my stoop
Shine the path
For friends follow
To my open door
Where love awaits

My coach is always encouraging me to make decisions quickly and then to act on them.  Her theory is that we already know what we want.  She says the reason we make decisions difficult is because either we’re scared of the answer we’re getting or because we’ve buried our true desires under so many shoulds and supposed tos that we can’t hear the part of us that knows anymore.

My decision-making tendencies make my coach laugh.  I agonize and dance around the decision, then once I make it – straight into action.

Decide I need to quit my job?  24 hours later, done.

Difficult discussion/news to share?  3 hours later, done.

Decide to start a new business?  On it.

Decide I really do need to change my eating habits?  Looking up information and mentally cleaning out my kitchen cabinets before we’re off the phone.

Unfortunately before I can get to the action part, I have to make the decision.  I’m quite skilled at making the making of decisions agonizing and dramatic .

I have gotten better at making decisions.  Over that last year I’ve begun to uncover the secret to making decisions.  Actually, it’s not so much a secret as it is an art to making decisions.

Well, actually, it’s mostly just basic self-care.  As in, taking care of myself so I can hear the part of me that already knows the answer.  (Oh, yeah.  That.)

Emily’s 4 Essential Practices to Making Good Decisions:

Sleep

Sounds simple.

It is.

When I am tired and worn out and cranky from lack of good, quality sleep – I do not make decisions that honor my true wants and needs.  I get cranky and whiney and frustrated trying to make decisions when I’m tired.

When I’m rested and energized from a good night’s sleep?  Decisions are easier and answers come much more quickly and clearly.

Listen to your body

I have a tendency to be all up in my head sometimes.  I forget that my body is very wise and helpful when I listen to it.

When I pay attention, my body will let me know if something is what I really want or not.  For me, it’s usually a heaviness or tightness in the chest for a “nope, not yours to do” and a lightness or fluttering in my chest for a “absolutely, yes, yes, yes!”

This is the “shackles on, shackles off” test from one of my favorite books, “Steering by Starlight” by Martha Beck. (I highly recommend it – both the book and the test!) Some people get their answers in different parts of their body like their solar plexus or stomach or throat.

Sometimes what my body tells me is the complete opposite of what my head says – experience has taught me that my body is almost always right.

Eating Regularly

This is the one that trips me up more often than not.

I feel the best physically, mentally, and emotionally when I eat at regular intervals – usually no longer than 4 hours between meals/snacks.  (Case in point – writing this I realized that it had been more than 4 hours since I’d last eaten and I’m noticing I’m becoming more easily distracted…brown rice, black-eyed peas, and steamed greens are now cooking as I type!)

Eating regularly (and healthy) keeps the body functioning at top level, which translates into fewer emotional ups and downs and greater mental clarity.  And an increased likelihood I’ll listen to my body and that voice inside that knows the answers I’m seeking.

As someone who is prone to bouts of fear and panic, this stability is essential!

Get moving!

I hate the word exercise.   I dislike actually exercising almost as much.

I do it because I like the benefits of exercising. (To get around my resistance of it, I call it things like working out, going to the gym, being active, training, etc.  Splitting hairs, but it gets past my rebellious side and gets me moving!)

Getting out and moving regularly – going to the gym, having a session with my personal trainer, doing Tai Chi, or going for a hike – has the same benefits as eating regularly.  I’m more stable emotionally and clearer mentally.  I feel calmer and more peaceful in my day-to-day living.

The physical benefits of increased strength, balance, and weight control are really just secondary to the emotional and mental benefits for me!

Making decisions is simply a part of life.  Big ones, little ones, and all those in between.  I can choose to make them agonizing and dramatic.

Or I can follow my own practices and make decisions with ease and clarity.  And live a much more peaceful, balanced, and happy life

Some thoughts that came as I curled on my deck chair wrapped in a quilt watching the sunrise on this chilly, foggy Saturday morning in Asheville, NC

Light to Light

A shroud of ghostly fog
Encases the mountains in quiet
Stillness reigns beneath the mist
Layers of white upon white
Shift before my eyes

I relax into the quiet
Steadiness of heartbeat
Grounds me in midst of the wistfulness

As the east begins to glow
And golden streams
Filter through the shroud
An energy begins to stir
Awakening

Ball of gold
Arises slow over trees
Melting away the dreamy mist

Layers of white
Bleed into streaks of color
Pink and gold and blue
Energy of awakening
Burns away the quiet

Rays of light reach out
Send rainbows bouncing
Off drops of dew

Mysteries of the ghostly mountain
Burst to life
As fiery light arises
Awakens all the land
Burning red and orange and golden hues

Heartbeat quickens
As the shifting energy flairs
Shining my light forth to greet light